right now i am filled with fear, and i don't want to close my eyes and sleep.i had a strangely overwhelming feeling that if i do tonight, i might not wake up tomorrow..you might think it's silly or stupid but honestly you cannot imagine that fear.i laid in bed, with my head spinning from more than 48 hours ago and with my heart beating faster than usual and i let tears stream down my face as i stare into the ceiling.i see darkness and i think about how it's going to be like if i just never woke up.i don't want something like that to happen.. i still have so many other things i've yet to even accomplish, to fulfil, to realise, to love.i feel weak. and this time i feel like i have to surrender myself to something. i would surrender myself to anything else but death right this moment.it's 2.39am and i promised daniel that i'd go to bed at 1.it's 2.40am and my bestfriend is sneaking out of her house to come to mine because i feel so alone and she feels so suffocated.i know i'm supposed to wake my dad up so he'd take me to cgh if i still felt unwell but i have so many fears about going to the hospital, about taking the required tests, and most of all i'm just afraid of the outcome.why do things like that even happen? i feel like i'm slowly losing myself and i wish the only person here with me was daniel.i'm going to wake up. i might not even sleep. but i'm going to wake up.i went to church today and i prayed when i felt like that.i need Your healing and Your saving grace.i don't think it's time yet.:( i feel worse than ever.and i feel stupid.clare's here and she made me feel better.